One of my good friends is turning 20 in a few days. We’re all planning a mini-party for her, organising presents and planning to ‘spray’ ( a tradition in our school of drenching the celebrant in water while they’re fully clothed) her.
As happy as I am for her, it also serves to remind me that I’ll be hitting the big 2-0 in a few months and honestly, that scares me. For a very long time I’ve combated a crippling fear of getting old, approaching each new birthday with joy and anxiety (oh my God, I’m getting older and there’s nothing I can do about it!). This time it’s worse because I’ll offcially not be in my teens anymore (yikes!). It’s probably just paranoia but it feels like I’m in a descent to becoming a decrepid old lady whose life is pretty much over. I suppose it’s a fear that my awesomest years are behind me and all that’s left now is to wallow in a dead social life while and failing body. Another fear is not achieving my dreams on time- attaining my goals at an age where I’m too old to fully enjoy them.
I was on instagram recently (this is becoming a bad habit) anèd there’s this popular instagram model who’s 16 who’s profile I was looking at. I had this thought pop into my head of “She’s so young and beautiful. I feel like such a washed-up old lady.”
I’ve been keeping a journal about this and while sometimes I feel like I’m over it, random things like an instagram account and a friends birthday come along and the process starts again.