The fear of age


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One of my good friends is turning 20 in a few days. We’re all planning a mini-party for her, organising presents and planning to ‘spray’ ( a tradition in our school of drenching the celebrant in water while they’re fully clothed) her.

As happy as I am for her, it also serves to remind me that I’ll be hitting the big 2-0 in a few months and honestly, that scares me. For a very long time I’ve combated a crippling fear of getting old, approaching each new birthday with joy and anxiety (oh my God, I’m getting older and there’s nothing I can do about it!). This time it’s worse because I’ll offcially not be in my teens anymore (yikes!). It’s probably just paranoia but it feels like I’m in a descent to becoming a decrepid old lady whose life is pretty much over. I suppose it’s a fear that my awesomest years are behind me and all that’s left now is to wallow in a dead social life while and failing body. Another fear is not achieving my dreams on time- attaining my goals at an age where I’m too old to fully enjoy them.

I was on instagram recently (this is becoming a bad habit) anèd there’s this popular instagram model who’s 16 who’s profile I was looking at. I had this thought pop into my head of “She’s so young and beautiful. I feel like such a washed-up old lady.”

I’ve been keeping a journal about this and while sometimes I feel like I’m over it, random things like an instagram account and a friends birthday come along and the process starts again.



Today I’m discussing another item on my list of bad habits: comparison. I saw an old picture of a friend from High school and remembered how I spent a good part of a year mentally comparing the two of us and beating myself up about not being like her. Sometimes I still find myself engaging in this silly habit : so-and-so is prettier, more athletic, more organised etc

I’m currently on a journey to :

A. Stop caring so much what the other person is doing or saying.


B. Bask in the glory of the person I am. The messy, impatient, artsy, wonderful being that is Tokoni Uti.

More and more I appreciate the person I am and grow to love her a little bit more everyday and I implore you all to do the same.


Waiting On The World To Change

I’ve been thinking a lot about the world and it’s nature. It’s very easy to get down when you think of how cruel and sad it is. Everything from crime to poverty to something as random as an Internet thread of people who were abandoned as children I scrolled through today.

I suppose it’s my nature, but I find it very easy to get pessimist about the world as a whole. Sometimes it’s an excersise in itself remind myself that the world is as beautiful as it is ugly. And that as easy as it is to write it all off, there is hope . My approach to it is this: I can’t solve all the problems in the world, as much as I’d like to, so instead I’ll focus on fixing my own little corner of the universe. Because at the end of the day, that is all we can really do. Have faith as we wait on the world to change .

The end of gossip

I made a number of resolutions this year…. work out more (going good), work on my make up  (going good) and be more productive.

One of the steps I took towards becoming more productive was to cut down on celebrity gossip. I realised that  spent way too much time on celebrity blogs. Particularly the dark abyss that is the comments section. I found myself checking gossip sites in the early mornings and before I went to bed. I knew way too much about the lives of glamorous people who don’t even know me. I spent time obsessing over who was dating, cheating on or feuding with who. It was unhealthy.

A few months ago, I changed phones and made a pact to not download any of my gossip apps and not visit any more sites and so far I’ve succeeded.  And it’s been so refreshing and I’ve become a happier person. I spend a lot of time on Internet forums where I learn a lot more about the world and expand my view of the world (I’ve somehow grown more conservative and liberal at the same time). It’s been great.

I hope to keep up this new development and encourage others to do the same.