The fear of age


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One of my good friends is turning 20 in a few days. We’re all planning a mini-party for her, organising presents and planning to ‘spray’ ( a tradition in our school of drenching the celebrant in water while they’re fully clothed) her.

As happy as I am for her, it also serves to remind me that I’ll be hitting the big 2-0 in a few months and honestly, that scares me. For a very long time I’ve combated a crippling fear of getting old, approaching each new birthday with joy and anxiety (oh my God, I’m getting older and there’s nothing I can do about it!). This time it’s worse because I’ll offcially not be in my teens anymore (yikes!). It’s probably just paranoia but it feels like I’m in a descent to becoming a decrepid old lady whose life is pretty much over. I suppose it’s a fear that my awesomest years are behind me and all that’s left now is to wallow in a dead social life while and failing body. Another fear is not achieving my dreams on time- attaining my goals at an age where I’m too old to fully enjoy them.

I was on instagram recently (this is becoming a bad habit) anèd there’s this popular instagram model who’s 16 who’s profile I was looking at. I had this thought pop into my head of “She’s so young and beautiful. I feel like such a washed-up old lady.”

I’ve been keeping a journal about this and while sometimes I feel like I’m over it, random things like an instagram account and a friends birthday come along and the process starts again.



Today I’m discussing another item on my list of bad habits: comparison. I saw an old picture of a friend from High school and remembered how I spent a good part of a year mentally comparing the two of us and beating myself up about not being like her. Sometimes I still find myself engaging in this silly habit : so-and-so is prettier, more athletic, more organised etc

I’m currently on a journey to :

A. Stop caring so much what the other person is doing or saying.


B. Bask in the glory of the person I am. The messy, impatient, artsy, wonderful being that is Tokoni Uti.

More and more I appreciate the person I am and grow to love her a little bit more everyday and I implore you all to do the same.